Tuesday, January 16, 2007
Holy crap! A talkin' skull!
Monday, January 08, 2007
I think it's a plot
concocted by a shadowy group of late night talk show monologue joke writers:
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
Do pardon my barf, won't you?
Good manners take a backseat on LIRRWhat's so rude about that? At least the guy got up to puke, instead of just blasting the seatback in front of him. On mass transit, that practically makes you Emily friggin' Post.
BY PETE DONOHUE
DAILY NEWS STAFF WRITER
Maybe they should call it the Long Island Rail Rude.
Riders on the LIRR exhibited a shocking lack of decorum, according to a report on commuter behavior that would send Miss Manners into a conniption.
[...]
Two riders, who were not named, seemed the rudest of the rails: the woman who flossed during her commute, and the drunken traveler who went to the platform during one station stop to throw up, and then returned to his seat.
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
Nobody rides for free
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
Marketing 101
I always thought that the idea of offering a prize for clicking one of those banner ads was to actually, you know, get people to click your banner ad:
Of course, much like a meal at the Olive Garden, it can backfire on you.
Of course, much like a meal at the Olive Garden, it can backfire on you.
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
By America
Monday, July 31, 2006
And what a sweeping transformation it's been
Seriously, can we go back to Beavis?
Sunday, May 28, 2006
There's a shocker
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
What would we do without the internet?
Well, for starters we'd have to figure out how to make our own replicas of the car from Knight Rider:
Friday, May 19, 2006
Kaption Komedy
LONDON - Desperate for a good review of his new film, The Da Vinci Code, director Ron Howard solicits an opinion from cast member Alan Mitrasky, who plays the part of Smokey the Train in the summer blockbuster. (AP Photo/Alastair Grant)
Thursday, May 18, 2006
There's something you don't see every day
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
Can't buy me irony
Paul McCartney, Wife Blame Media for SplitGot that? They issued a press release to blame the media for being too intrusive.
By JENNIFER QUINN, Associated Press Writer
LONDON - Former Beatle Paul McCartney and his second wife, Heather Mills McCartney, said Wednesday that they are separating after nearly four years of marriage, blaming intrusion from the media and insisting their split is amicable.
[...]
"Having tried exceptionally hard to make our relationship work given the daily pressures surrounding us, it is with sadness that we have decided to go our separate ways," a statement from the couple said.
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
Somebody better tell the bear
Residents warned over New Jersey bear scare
New York - WABC, May 9, 2006
Livingston residents were told to stay indoors after a black bear was spotted this morning roaming in backyards near the high school.
[...]
The area where the bear was spotted is considered a bear exclusion zone, as part of a state policy on bears that is currently under debate.
Monday, May 08, 2006
That never stopped us before
Saturday, April 29, 2006
With apologies to Bill Maher
New rule: The line at the barbershop shouldn't be first come, first serve, but in order of who needs a haircut the most:
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
We must put a stop to this study immediately
Friday, April 21, 2006
Cornspiracy
I've never been a big believer in the supernatural or the otherwordly, but I'm starting to think that unseen forces, and almost definitely sinister ones, are aligning themselves against me. Read on as I delineate the campaign of paranormal harassment that I have endured now for far too long.
On the days when I don't bring lunch to work, I often frequent one of the handful of tossed salad bars here on New York's picturesque (read: expensive) Upper West Side. My research has revealed that the two best (read: closest) are Cafe on Broadway and Hot-n-Crusty. Both make a mean salad, both are but a short jaunt from the office. (It should also be noted that the latter is primarily a bakery; its titular adjectives apply to their principal board of fare, and not to the salads.)
But no matter the bar, no matter the time of day, no matter the employee doing the tossing (somehow it seems wrong to call these people "tossers"), I would conservatively estimate that every single goddamn one of my salads has somehow ended up with a kernel of corn in it. I used my trusty cameraphone to capture the kind of incontrovertible photographic evidence that has long eluded believers of such phenomena as UFOs or Bigfoot:
Permit me to take this opportunity to explain to the slower-witted among you that no, I do not ask for corn in my salad when I order. And yet somehow, the phantom kernel (could it be the same one???) keeps rising from the dead like some kind of starchy Lazarus.
I have also considered the possibility that my tormentors are of earthly origin. It's entirely plausible that government agents, or perhaps rival bloggers, have mapped out my routines and patterns, and devised a dastardly method of sneaking this little yellow bastard into my leafy greens.
So I say now unto you, evildoers, be you of this world or the next...PLEASE STOP PUTTING CORN IN MY SALAD!
On the days when I don't bring lunch to work, I often frequent one of the handful of tossed salad bars here on New York's picturesque (read: expensive) Upper West Side. My research has revealed that the two best (read: closest) are Cafe on Broadway and Hot-n-Crusty. Both make a mean salad, both are but a short jaunt from the office. (It should also be noted that the latter is primarily a bakery; its titular adjectives apply to their principal board of fare, and not to the salads.)
But no matter the bar, no matter the time of day, no matter the employee doing the tossing (somehow it seems wrong to call these people "tossers"), I would conservatively estimate that every single goddamn one of my salads has somehow ended up with a kernel of corn in it. I used my trusty cameraphone to capture the kind of incontrovertible photographic evidence that has long eluded believers of such phenomena as UFOs or Bigfoot:
Permit me to take this opportunity to explain to the slower-witted among you that no, I do not ask for corn in my salad when I order. And yet somehow, the phantom kernel (could it be the same one???) keeps rising from the dead like some kind of starchy Lazarus.
I have also considered the possibility that my tormentors are of earthly origin. It's entirely plausible that government agents, or perhaps rival bloggers, have mapped out my routines and patterns, and devised a dastardly method of sneaking this little yellow bastard into my leafy greens.
So I say now unto you, evildoers, be you of this world or the next...PLEASE STOP PUTTING CORN IN MY SALAD!
Thursday, April 20, 2006
You can't be Sirius
I opened up my email the other day and saw this exciting piece of news from Sirius satellite radio about the great new channels they're adding to the lineup:
Not cool.
I'm spending twelve bucks a month for this? I had no idea my subscription money would be underwriting ignorance, vulgarity, and pandering to the lowest common denominator...I just wanted Howard Stern.
Also please note that the Fox "news" channel and the Fox "opinion" channel have at least two anchor/personalities in common. Shocking!
Not cool.
I'm spending twelve bucks a month for this? I had no idea my subscription money would be underwriting ignorance, vulgarity, and pandering to the lowest common denominator...I just wanted Howard Stern.
Also please note that the Fox "news" channel and the Fox "opinion" channel have at least two anchor/personalities in common. Shocking!
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
Finders keepers
Thursday, March 30, 2006
Two. Point. Four. Million. Dollars.
Study: Praying Won't Affect Heart PatientsWhat a rip. I'd be happy to not address whether God exists for a million bucks even. That means you can pocket the extra $1.4M for yourself. Deal? Good. Money order, PayPal, or cash at your own risk.
By MALCOLM RITTER, AP Science Writer
NEW YORK - Does praying for a sick person's recovery do any good?
In the largest scientific test of its kind, heart surgery patients showed no benefit when strangers prayed for their recovery.
[...]
The researchers emphasized that their $2.4 million study could not address whether God exists or answers prayers made on another's behalf. The study could look only for an effect from the specific prayers offered as part of the research, they said.
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
Kaption Komedy
"Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention please. Due to unforseen circumstances, Billy Joel will not be appearing at this afternoon's concert."
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
Beating their swords into pushbrooms
WASHINGTON - In what many are calling a positive step towards peace and understanding between the Western and Arab worlds, former Iraqi foreign minister Naji Sabri Hadithi (left) and U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations John Bolton (right) announced in a joint press conference today that they have taken part in the first ever International Mustache Swap.
Thursday, February 23, 2006
Turns out there wasn't a hurricane after all
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Unfortunately Juxtaposed Headlines of the Day
And yet for some reason, it's not too hard to imagine, is it?
Be honest...it was 99, right?
So by now, you've almost definitely heard that the vice-president shot someone over the weekend, thinking the guy was a quail. Turns out it's not as bad as it sounds, though:
"Come on, bro, sure you got shot in the face, but it's not like you got hit with 100 pellets! You didn't even crack the century mark! Be a man, for God's sake."
Whittington was hit with bird shot in the face and upper body and was in stable condition yesterday at Christus Spohn Hospital in Corpus Christi. His doctor said...Whittington was hit with "less than 100" pellets.Talk about looking on the bright side.
"Come on, bro, sure you got shot in the face, but it's not like you got hit with 100 pellets! You didn't even crack the century mark! Be a man, for God's sake."
Monday, February 13, 2006
Dick Cheney's Sole Submission To Esquire Magazine's Popular "What I've Learned" Feature
Monday, January 23, 2006
No harm, no fowl
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
Step 1: Get Some Ethics
Friday, January 13, 2006
Not literally, of course
Thursday, January 12, 2006
Bananaback Mountain
OK, you don't like that one. How about some glow-in-the-dark pigs?
No? Man, this is a tough crowd.
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
By any other name, it would be much funnier
An African giraffe, Mas Sura, licks its four-day-old baby at Malaysia's National Zoo in Kuala Lumpur January 3, 2006. REUTERS/Bazuki MuhammadI understand why zoo animals are named according to their country of origin, but I've always been a big fan of giving animals very ordinary names.
Wouldn't the above photo be much funnier if it were captioned:
An African giraffe, Diane, licks its four-day-old baby, Larry at Malaysia's National Zoo.Admit it. It would be.
Monday, December 19, 2005
Best news ever!
House Moves for All-Digital TV by 2009This really is fantastic news, since it can only mean that we've won the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, captured bin Laden, finished rebuilding New Orleans, put an end to homelessness and poverty, cured cancer, AIDS, and Parkinson's, and developed a car that runs on Taco Bell farts. Why else would Congress be wasting their time with something so incredibly frivolous? I guess they're really feeling their oats now that they've put an end to steriod use in professional sports once and for all (ha ha).
WASHINGTON - House lawmakers approved legislation early Monday that would complete the transition to all-digital television broadcasts by Feb. 17, 2009.
The measure also would allocate up to $1.5 billion to help consumers with older, analog TV sets purchase converter boxes so they would continue to get service in the digital era.
And look how much money they want to spend. $1.5 billion. With a "b." For cable boxes. Now I love television, but that seems a tad pricey even to me. Don't we still have troops asking their families for Kevlar this Christmas?
Honestly, what is wrong with this country? Government funding for scientific research? No. Government funding for TV reception so crystal clear you can count Leno's chin pores? How much ya need?
